A few nights ago, I spent time with one of my best friends and we talked about how I was doing with the whole baby thing. I shared with her that I am in a really good place. I actually feel some relief from the last test because there could possibly be something wrong. That sounds crazy right. Well, before I would get upset because nothing made sense. There was no reason that I wasn't getting pregnant. Now, there may be a reason if my left tube is blocked. In a weird way, that relieves some pressure.
Anyway, I am really good. I feel like not everyone believes me when I say that but its true. I love that I am surrounded by so many people that love me and care. I also love that my best friend knows my cycle because she's committed to helping me get pregnant LOL. My favorite is the text “It's baby week, get busy.” Ha!
We end our conversation with the fact that she was worried that I would just be sad if it didn't happen and she said I need to understand that I'm a great mom to my three kids I have. I told her that if never had a baby, my life would still be complete because I love my family that God has given me.
I also told her that sometimes the sadness (really mourning) comes from being an adoptive parent, something most people don't understand. I mourn for a lot of things, mainly time that I can never have or get back. I'm mourn because I don't know how much my children weighed when they were born or what time they were born. I don't know their first words or when they took their first step.
We fostered our kids almost three years before the adoption was final. The week of our adoption, I cried a lot; not tears of joy but tears of sadness. My husband didn't understand and really I didn't either. It was the oddest thing. I mourned for the inability to carry my three babies. I missed having their baby showers and births. I mourned for their biological parents and families. So many things ran through my mind and it all hit me in a big ugly cry sort of way.
Now that my daughter is going to graduate this coming year, I mourn for the time that I didn't get to spend with her. I feel like I haven't had enough time with her for her to leave and start her life. Really there are a ton of things I can be sad about but I know that JOY comes through the mourning.
My children are getting older and starting to deal with their own questions and I have to catch myself from being sad for them as we talk through things. My daughter and I had a conversation about a month ago where she wondered where she comes from and what her family history is. (Please don't take offense to this story.) We know very little about her biological mother know nothing about her biological father. I think it's natural for all people to wonder where their roots are. She said mom what if I'm half Hispanic. I told her I didn't think she was but I could be wrong. Now my youngest son does think that we are Hispanic because my sister married Hispanic man. All of his nieces and nephews are my children's cousins and we're just one big happy family. We love them and they love us and so Joseph is just adamant that we are also Hispanic because aunt Lindsay is LOL. Then Grace said, mom what if I'm half African-American. I said I am I've seen you and I feel like that's not accurate. She's the palest girl I know. So for a week anytime I ask her to do anything she would tell me, “you can't tell me what to do I'm a strong independent black woman or I'm a strong independent Hispanic woman.” I was waiting for the Japanese but it never came. She wasn't trying to poke fun at any race or ethnicity. She was just trying to communicate how she felt about not knowing who she was. Everyone wants to celebrate who they are and be proud of where they come from. I hate that she struggles with this.
I should have told her I know exactly where she comes from. She is the daughter of the king of kings. She was born straight from my heart. Her life is planned and is purposeful. God has put into motion things that she could never imagine. She may have suffered a tough season in her life but she has been chosen for great things. Her roots stem from a savior who loves her more than I do and man that's a lot.
So yes I occasionally get plagued with sadness and I occasionally wonder why but I know God's plan is perfect for my family. There are a lot of emotions you experience when you adopt a child. There's a lot of emotions you experience when you have a hard time trying to conceive or carry a baby.
There are so many things that we could choose to mourn, but we have to remember that JOY comes in the MORNING. I love being able to share my heart with you. I think it's great to provide prospective for the various sides of adoption and infertility. Having a community of faith and friends helps make the journey so much easier.
In all things we have a choice. No matter where our journey takes us or where we have come from, I'm just thankful I know where I'm going and that I'm not alone. I may not have my children's entire past but I have their future and most importantly we have eternity together. There is no sadness in that truth friends. No sadness.
Love and virtual hugs.