Oh, sweet fertility. You are not a friend of mine. Ha! I told you I planned on blogging more about my life so here's what's on my mind.
Fast forward….I've been taking clomid for the last two months. I actually just finished my third round yesterday. I'm taking the 150mg dose. Basically my doctor told me that you can really only take it for six months so I have four more chances before going to greater extremes. No pressure or anything. Ugh. My husband has been so sweet and supportive (even though I may have been a tad hormonal during my last cycle, ehem).
So, I have been using the Kindra app and charting my temp and symptoms. I also invested in the fancy and not so fancy ovulation tests. For the last two months, my temperature has shown me when I was going to ovulate and then the tests confirmed. We've been doing our part every day (winky face..TMI?) but it's been a no go the last two months. Sigh. I called my doctor after I started last week because I was a little frustrated. I asked to go ahead and have the dye test. I have put it off for a long time because I heard it hurts bad but at this point, I don't care. This whole trying to make a baby thing is exhausting. Ha!
I'm really in a good place despite the disappointment. It's been two years since my miscarriage and I am finally ready to go at this for real BUT I will not let this consume me. It's so easy to let this journey suck you in and steal your joy. It's so easy to let it consume every amount of energy while destroying the positives in your life. I've seen marriages really struggle because woman cannot handle what feels like the greatest rejection of all time. I get it. It sucks. But, that man was your first love and he needs to always know that.
On the plus side, adoption is beautiful and I LOVE my children. I really think that if everyone was able to have their perfect children in their perfect timing, we would have more orphans than the world could hold. I'm sure if Nick and I would have gotten pregnant when we started trying 13 years ago, we wouldn't have been led to become foster parents and later adopt. I do believe that sometimes the infertility plan may seem cruel, it is so necessary to force us into the calling of being mothers to the motherless. I'm not so sure I would have heard that call so loudly if I had a baby in my arms. I'm so grateful that God's plan was perfect for our family and he chose this season of waiting for us because it gave us three children that could have only been born from our hearts.
I guess since my oldest is graduating from high school next year, I am really struggling because I feel like I haven't had enough time with her. Really, all three of my kids will be in high school. I can't say that out loud yet. Seriously, I will be the biggest hot mess the first day of school come August. That is one of the most difficult things about adoption for me…losing time, but that's for another post on another day.
It will also be so weird entering this next season in our life. I would never imagined being 34 with three kids in high school and trying to have a baby. Insane right? My mom asked me not too long ago if this is what I really want but Nick and I both agree that this is where our hearts are. I told her, “Mom, I'm only 34.” Ha. My friends are all pregnant right now. For once, I will not be ten years ahead of the game. I was the first to get married, first to become a mom, first to buy a house and then a second house…and on and on and on. (Though I do think it is funny that my daughter babysits my best friends children.)
Soon after Nick and I got married, someone at church gave us a word from God about a promise for a baby. I have stood on that promise for MANY years. Just when Nick and I were about to take matters into our own hands, I got pregnant. Though we lost the baby, I do feel that was God reminding us that he's got us in the palm of his hand and our promise is in his plan.
So, again. Sharing but not consumed. Hopeful but not doubtful. Frustrated but always believing. I'm not empty, nor broken. Living without feeling lost. Finding joy in all things. Not letting what should have been or what can be dictate what is.
You see, we really have NO control over anything. The only control we have is whether or not we let life's circumstances steal our joy.
I chose JOY.
If that's tough for you today, know that JOY comes in the morning.
Sending love and virtual hugs!