
Oh, sweet fertility. You are not a friend of mine. Ha! I told you I planned on blogging more about my life so here’s what’s on my mind.
If you want to read more about my fertility past, you can read here and here.
Fast forward….I’ve been taking clomid for the last two months. I actually just finished my third round yesterday. I’m taking the 150mg dose. Basically my doctor told me that you can really only take it for six months so I have four more chances before going to greater extremes. No pressure or anything. Ugh. My husband has been so sweet and supportive (even though I may have been a tad hormonal during my last cycle, ehem).
So, I have been using the Kindra app and charting my temp and symptoms. I also invested in the fancy and not so fancy ovulation tests. For the last two months, my temperature has shown me when I was going to ovulate and then the tests confirmed. We’ve been doing our part every day (winky face..TMI?) but it’s been a no go the last two months. Sigh. I called my doctor after I started last week because I was a little frustrated. I asked to go ahead and have the dye test. I have put it off for a long time because I heard it hurts bad but at this point, I don’t care. This whole trying to make a baby thing is exhausting. Ha!
I’m really in a good place despite the disappointment. It’s been two years since my miscarriage and I am finally ready to go at this for real BUT I will not let this consume me. It’s so easy to let this journey suck you in and steal your joy. It’s so easy to let it consume every amount of energy while destroying the positives in your life. I’ve seen marriages really struggle because woman cannot handle what feels like the greatest rejection of all time. I get it. It sucks. But, that man was your first love and he needs to always know that.
On the plus side, adoption is beautiful and I LOVE my children. I really think that if everyone was able to have their perfect children in their perfect timing, we would have more orphans than the world could hold. I’m sure if Nick and I would have gotten pregnant when we started trying 13 years ago, we wouldn’t have been led to become foster parents and later adopt. I do believe that sometimes the infertility plan may seem cruel, it is so necessary to force us into the calling of being mothers to the motherless. I’m not so sure I would have heard that call so loudly if I had a baby in my arms. I’m so grateful that God’s plan was perfect for our family and he chose this season of waiting for us because it gave us three children that could have only been born from our hearts.
I guess since my oldest is graduating from high school next year, I am really struggling because I feel like I haven’t had enough time with her. Really, all three of my kids will be in high school. I can’t say that out loud yet. Seriously, I will be the biggest hot mess the first day of school come August. That is one of the most difficult things about adoption for me…losing time, but that’s for another post on another day.
It will also be so weird entering this next season in our life. I would never imagined being 34 with three kids in high school and trying to have a baby. Insane right? My mom asked me not too long ago if this is what I really want but Nick and I both agree that this is where our hearts are. I told her, “Mom, I’m only 34.” Ha. My friends are all pregnant right now. For once, I will not be ten years ahead of the game. I was the first to get married, first to become a mom, first to buy a house and then a second house…and on and on and on. (Though I do think it is funny that my daughter babysits my best friends children.)
Soon after Nick and I got married, someone at church gave us a word from God about a promise for a baby. I have stood on that promise for MANY years. Just when Nick and I were about to take matters into our own hands, I got pregnant. Though we lost the baby, I do feel that was God reminding us that he’s got us in the palm of his hand and our promise is in his plan.
So, again. Sharing but not consumed. Hopeful but not doubtful. Frustrated but always believing. I’m not empty, nor broken. Living without feeling lost. Finding joy in all things. Not letting what should have been or what can be dictate what is.
You see, we really have NO control over anything. The only control we have is whether or not we let life’s circumstances steal our joy.
I chose JOY.
If that’s tough for you today, know that JOY comes in the morning.
Sending love and virtual hugs!
Oh man, that dye test hurts!!! It's easier if you have had bad menstral cramps before, and know how to deal with that pain I think, but yikes! My husband and I have tried for 3 years unsuccessfully. We've had all the tests done and they say everything is normal. I won't say that I've given up, but you do have to let some of it go to be at peace with yourself and your marriage. Some days are worse than others, but I try to remain hopeful : ) I will definitely be praying for you as you go through the procedure! Lots of motrin!
My husband and I have struggled with secondary infertility for the last 3.5 years…but we are actually pursuing an international adoption right now because we felt that was God's calling for us right now. I haven't given up yet on another baby, but I don't think I could even go on Clomid again. That alone was a miserable experience. We did a few rounds with shots, but decided to stop for the time being. Prayers for YOU, Crystal! 🙂
I will be praying for you!!!!! I don't think it's insane at all to have kids in high school and trying for a baby!! My son is 14 and a soon to be freshman and I'd love to have a baby!! You got this Crystal!!!! May God comfort you tomorrow during the procedure! Hugs!!
I haven't commented before, but your story really tugs at my heart. We struggled with very different fertility issues…I could get pregnant, but I couldn't stay pregnant. I had four miscarriages before we had our daughter. It's hard to say that I'm thankful for the miscarriages, but I CANNOT imagine life without her and I know she wouldn't be here without the losses. I had all the testing done after my second miscarriage and of course, nothing came up wrong. After my fourth loss, it really hit home that I had no control over the circumstances and really just had to lean into my faith and press onward. The dye test is uncomfortable, but I don't remember tons of pain. The part that surprised me was that the doctor told me I'd have spotting afterwards, but I had more of a gush like menstrual bleeding. You may want to take a pad, just in case. 😉 And, 34 is young! I'm 34 and we are going to start trying again. I think I'm a little crazy to possibly go through another loss, but I'd really like to have one more, so we're gonna give it one more try. Prayers that things go well for you and you find some answers.
Praying for you! Take some ibuprofen before you go. It does really hurt…bad!
You're in my prayers!!!
Thinking of you sweet friend and keeping you in our prayers. Sending good vibes your way!
~Christy & Tammy
The test isn't as bad as it sounds. I took Aleve before mine and it was not too painful. It's more uncomfortable than anything. Prayers for you along this journey!
I am 42. I have had one still birth, one ectopic pregnancy, and two miscarriages. I am currently 35 weeks and everything is great! You can do it. Faith makes things possible, not easy. 💗
Definitely praying for you.
Funny thing…I just assumed you were older because your kids are older…that's SO bad of me….but I noticed in your pics you are SO youthful looking….
Bless you and your beautiful family (and future blessings).
The wonderous life of a two week cycle. Get period, ovulate, wait, get period, ovulate, wait.
I have been there and know the cycle well. I have had a hysterosalpingogram test. Not the most comfortable but hopefully you will get some insight and direction from the results. Fingers crossed and prayers being said.
It is not an easy road to travel. Your optimism and faith are a testament to the person you are and the strength that you and your husband have in one another.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers!