You’re Going To Put That Where?

Oh, snap.

So I went to our local hospital yesterday for the hysterosalpingogram test. My sister was so sweet to go with me. Actually, I wanted a driver so I could take a muscle relaxer before I went. Priorities! I knew it was a toss up. Half of the people I know experience pain and the other half said it was no biggy. Either way, I wanted to be prepared.

After changing into my oh so flattering hospital gown, I laid on the table. I brought my own socks because I hate getting cold feet. Ha! See what I did there?

Then, the doctor inserted the dreaded speculum. This should be just like your normal lady visit but not for this hot mess patient. Nope. He had trouble seeing my uterus and then when he did see it, he couldn’t find the opening. So he kept moving the speculum around and further in. I’m pretty sure he could have used it to tickle my throat if necessary. Cue big tears. Luckily, my sister rushed over to hold my hand, brush my bangs back and calmingly prompted me to try and stay calm and breath. My daughter was supposed to take me but I was worried she would be late to work so I asked my sister instead. I’m so glad it worked out that way because she knew just how to calm me down. When he finally found the opening, he inserted the catheter tube. This wasn’t too bad but when they started to push the dye it, that hurt. Think very bad cramps. 10 minutes later it was over. I could have been better. I’m sure it could have been worse. I had mild cramping afterwards.

The test showed my right tube is good and strong. My left tube was another story. Very limited dye went into it and none shot out of it. The doctor said that it could potentially be blocked but he wasn’t sure that was the case. He said my scan didn’t look normal and he should see a triangle. He suggested that I get another vaginal ultrasound to check for a mass or fibroids. This did not freak me out though.

As soon as I left I called my doctor. I knew that they wouldn’t get the results for several days and since I just finished my third round of clomid, I didn’t want to waste time. I am set to ovulate Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week. This all felt even more stressful to me now. I told my nurse (who knows my case inside and out and is the sweetest thing eva) what the testing doctor said. She pulled up my latest scan from March and said that she sees no mass or fibroid and everything actually looked really good. She thinks that he had a hard time seeing everything because I have a different shaped uterus, also known as an arcuate uterus. I’ve known this for a few years. This doesn’t mean I can’t conceive or carry I child, I just need to be monitored and may require bed rest during the last trimester…because life isn’t exciting enough.

So, here is what I currently know.

Today (the day after the test) my body hates me. When I stand I feel like the bottom will fall out. Fun huh? Apparently my uterus is not a fan of being dilated. There must be an invisible elephant planted on my abdomen. I am convinced of this. It’s so weird to me that I feel the same as I did after my D&C. Lots of pressure. I sing in our worship band and tomorrow we are doing a set that lasts over an hour for a concert which means I need to be on my feet for a good two hours. I’m hoping that I can handle this. Eek.

I am STILL a hot mess patient. This is my life. Ha! I’ve always been the opposite of normal. Doctors tend to call me a “special patient.” That really has never meant “lucky.” At. All.

I am not worried about the possibility of one tube being blocked. I know you only need one. My sister-in-law got pregnant with two great kids with one tube. I feel like that was set in place to keep my faith strong during that moment of realizing what may be my new truth.

I love my husband. His faith is not shaken or at least he doesn’t show it which is what I need. I remind myself daily that he is my first love. The kids will grow up and eventually have their own families. He is my constant, forever, and foundation.

No matter the outcome, all of this suffering will one day be worth it.

Next week I will be referred to a fertility specialist. I have dreaded this for years. I know that this can be costly which is scary to me. Why does it have to be so expensive to have a baby?! Maybe I can sell a kidney. You only need one right? Ha! Seriously, I worry that I will need to start another business or get an additional job. I’m not going to freak out though until I have the appointment and find out what we are looking at. I really can’t put this off any longer. I am certainly not getting any younger.

God is faithful. He was there yesterday, he is here today and he will be there tomorrow.

Lastly, I am thankful for you. I have totally shared my heart and have been flooded with support. I am the lucky one here. One thing I have learned through this journey is that I am not alone. Unfortunately, this is something that many women deal with but often alone. That makes me so sad and totally not how God intended it to be. This journey is filled with ups and downs, births and losses. All of which should never be done in silence nor alone.

Faithfully believing…this certainly isn’t the end of this story.