Kreative in Kinder

When The Answer Is NO.

Crystal — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 02:36:34 +0000

There are so many things I pray about every day, some for years. This particular prayer, 15 years. But, what do you do when the answer is no?

Today’s Story

Two months ago a friend reached out to me. She new a high school aged girl who had gotten pregnant and was considering putting the baby up for adoption because she wasn’t ready to be a mom. Her mom was a young mother and didn’t want that for her too. I’ve joked that I wish someone would just message me on Facebook that they had a baby for me so I was shocked to get this message.

My friend wanted to know if we would consider adopting an African American baby. I told her we would pray about it but I already knew the answer. YES. Send us any of God’s children and the answer is YES. If our life’s testimony is to love God’s people, that means ALL of God’s people. Our love knows no colors.

She told the girl about us and we were given her name and little updates over the last two months. We’ve prayed and prayed for her by name. I offered to help get in touch w services when she was ready and of course we said we would help however we could if we were to adopt. And then we waited. Ultimately, this would be a dream scenario as we cannot afford private adoption.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve done some dreaming of this possible new addition to our family. This weekend we learned that over the holiday the girl decided to have an abortion. I know this is not the ending you were hoping to read. It’s not the ending we were praying for either.

I believe that as ministers we must be transparent and not just share when God says yes. Sometimes when God says no, it means not yet. Sometimes it means he has another plan. And sometimes the answer is in the hands of another person and is out of his hands. I don’t agree with the girl’s decision but I can’t judge her. We are all born sinners and her sin, albeit different, is the same as mine.

This morning at worship practice I choked up as I was worshiping and mourning the loss of a baby I never knew. Oh, if she only knew how much we would have loved that baby. Then, I praised God for his perfect plan because we trust him. Then I prayed for her. Maybe Nick and I were brought into this situation just to do that because God knew we would commit to pray. He knew we would trust him. So, this was not our answer but I still believe it’s coming in some shape or form.

For now, I pray (and I hope you will too) that this situation will change this girl’s life and put her on the right path. One day she will mature and come to terms with her decision. Hopefully, there will be remorse and with that she will be forgiven. She is bright and has potential. I pray she figures that out and fulfills the plans God has for her.

We have to live in a manner of forgiveness and love or we live a life in bondage, anger and resentment and that, my friends, is not a life worth living. Just because the answer is no, that doesn’t mean the story has come to an end.

The post When The Answer Is NO. appeared first on Kreative in Kinder.

What’s NEW?

Crystal — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 00:41:00 +0000

Snow em ghee. Hello 2016. People, how did we get here? Is it just me or is this year flying by? Some years I’m totally cool with that but since Grace is a senior I would like to just pump the breaks please. Some days are more than my mama heart can handle.

We have been riding the crazy train this semester. It’s quite amazing that I’m not 100% gray or haven’t developed some sort of unhealthy drinking problem. Ha! You should see my life size family calendar that I LIVE by. It’s seriously three feet tall by four feet long and filled to the max. Soccer, cheer, band, church and work oh my. It’s quite amazing that teachers with children function every day. I always function in the mom/teacher mode as if I really have 25 kids (22 students and three of my own) because I think about ALL of them every day. I don’t think I can turn off mom/teacher mode ever. They really are one hairy beast.

As a teacher, my year never ends on December 31st. My mind works on terms of school year but for the rest of the world, January 1st is a time to reflect and refocus. I could use a little of both. Mainly because my butt is taking over its own zip code and if I don’t get my rear to the gym STAT, I may need to learn to sew. Ha! No really, Houston we have a problem.

This could be part of my problem, ehem.

Goals. I kinda hate the word resolution. To me that always equals failure but I’m totally cool with GOALS.

So real talk. I am now the blasted age of 35. Ugh. I know that’s not old but I’m getting near that age of really needing to be out of the baby zone. I know people have babies when they are 40 but I just can’t. I just can’t. So my main goal this year and putting operation baby in the number one priority slot. I really struggle with this because I am always in mom/teacher mode, trying to care for those 25 always on my mind and heart. So, I put operation baby on the back burner. I’m always saying, well, I’ll make those calls or appointments on the next break but it never happens because I get busy. And each break passes and I am running out of time. I’m not sure what this means for me but I do feel like I’m entering a new season in my life and ready to make big changes.

First thing is getting me back in a healthy routine of exercise. I really need some endorphins people. I can’t keep showing up at that semi sketchy massage place in the mall for a thirty minute beat down by someone with a heavy accent and expect my tension to disappear. Ha! This has been a hard semester for me. I’ve dealt with a ton of anxiety which leads to emotional eating for me.

Don’t you just love how I vomit my drama here? Well, I just want you to not feel bad about you being a hot mess because I am one too. Ha! Honestly, who is perfect? Not me! People have no idea how stressful our job is and how much hurt we carry in our hearts for the babies in our care. It takes a toll. But let’s real talk; I’m trying to reteach myself that I’m no good to anyone if I am not healthy and happy. I pray every day for God to fill me to the point I’m overflowing. I’ve learned that this is not a selfish prayer but instead a prayer for God to make me whole so I can give more of myself without losing myself. Does that make sense?

So 2016 my one little word would be WHOLE.

God make me whole. Fill me to overflowing. Teach me to care for myself so my well doesn’t run dry. Teach me to know who I need to pour into and how much so I don’t dwindle down to my last drop. Help me to be disciplined and faithful to overflow into the right things.

I’m hoping through this next season that I will finally find a baby. I keep reading Facebook, hoping someone will post that they have a newborn they would like to gift me. Ha! If only. I’m not sure if this treasure will be found through a fertility specialist or through adoption but either way, we will follow the path God lays out for us. It makes me sad that it cost so much to adopt or have a surrogate (though I do understand the sacrifice of both). I do plan to be completely transparent during this new season so stay tuned for more details than you care to know.

Whatever 2016 holds for you, set a goal. Be realistic. Remember no one is perfect and failure is only for a moment. Every day is a new day and you can start fresh tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be on a Monday. God is merciful and gives us so much grace. That renews daily so make sure you grab your fill. Make your life meaningful outside of your classroom. Yes, teaching is such an important calling. I’ve always felt that it’s not just what I do but so much of who I am. I also have to remind myself that I cannot define my entire life by my classroom. There is more. Oh, so much more. Though it’s a worthy cause, it shouldn’t get ALL of me. You shouldn’t feel guilty for filling your store house to overflow into other things too. Stop living from break to break. Stop putting off your dreams. You have the choice to wait or ask God to help you move mountains. (This is me preaching to myself.)

I’ll leave you with this image. I’m going to print it and put it on my bathroom mirror. This year be PRESENT. Be WHOLE. Be the LIGHT!

Happy 2016 friends. May your year be filled with overflowing blessings and life lessons that will enrich your life in only the way God can. Love and virtual hugs.

The post What’s NEW? appeared first on Kreative in Kinder.

JOY in the MOURNING

Crystal — Mon, 06 Jul 2015 07:56:00 +0000

A few nights ago, I spent time with one of my best friends and we talked about how I was doing with the whole baby thing. I shared with her that I am in a really good place. I actually feel some relief from the last test because there could possibly be something wrong. That sounds crazy right. Well, before I would get upset because nothing made sense. There was no reason that I wasn’t getting pregnant. Now, there may be a reason if my left tube is blocked. In a weird way, that relieves some pressure.

Anyway, I am really good. I feel like not everyone believes me when I say that but its true. I love that I am surrounded by so many people that love me and care. I also love that my best friend knows my cycle because she’s committed to helping me get pregnant LOL. My favorite is the text “It’s baby week, get busy.” Ha!

We end our conversation with the fact that she was worried that I would just be sad if it didn’t happen and she said I need to understand that I’m a great mom to my three kids I have. I told her that if never had a baby, my life would still be complete because I love my family that God has given me.

I also told her that sometimes the sadness (really mourning) comes from being an adoptive parent, something most people don’t understand. I mourn for a lot of things, mainly time that I can never have or get back. I’m mourn because I don’t know how much my children weighed when they were born or what time they were born. I don’t know their first words or when they took their first step.

We fostered our kids almost three years before the adoption was final. The week of our adoption, I cried a lot; not tears of joy but tears of sadness. My husband didn’t understand and really I didn’t either. It was the oddest thing. I mourned for the inability to carry my three babies. I missed having their baby showers and births. I mourned for their biological parents and families. So many things ran through my mind and it all hit me in a big ugly cry sort of way.

Now that my daughter is going to graduate this coming year, I mourn for the time that I didn’t get to spend with her. I feel like I haven’t had enough time with her for her to leave and start her life. Really there are a ton of things I can be sad about but I know that JOY comes through the mourning.

My children are getting older and starting to deal with their own questions and I have to catch myself from being sad for them as we talk through things. My daughter and I had a conversation about a month ago where she wondered where she comes from and what her family history is. (Please don’t take offense to this story.) We know very little about her biological mother know nothing about her biological father. I think it’s natural for all people to wonder where their roots are. She said mom what if I’m half Hispanic. I told her I didn’t think she was but I could be wrong. Now my youngest son does think that we are Hispanic because my sister married Hispanic man. All of his nieces and nephews are my children’s cousins and we’re just one big happy family. We love them and they love us and so Joseph is just adamant that we are also Hispanic because aunt Lindsay is LOL. Then Grace said, mom what if I’m half African-American. I said I am I’ve seen you and I feel like that’s not accurate. She’s the palest girl I know. So for a week anytime I ask her to do anything she would tell me, “you can’t tell me what to do I’m a strong independent black woman or I’m a strong independent Hispanic woman.” I was waiting for the Japanese but it never came. She wasn’t trying to poke fun at any race or ethnicity. She was just trying to communicate how she felt about not knowing who she was. Everyone wants to celebrate who they are and be proud of where they come from. I hate that she struggles with this.

I should have told her I know exactly where she comes from. She is the daughter of the king of kings. She was born straight from my heart. Her life is planned and is purposeful. God has put into motion things that she could never imagine. She may have suffered a tough season in her life but she has been chosen for great things. Her roots stem from a savior who loves her more than I do and man that’s a lot.

So yes I occasionally get plagued with sadness and I occasionally wonder why but I know God’s plan is perfect for my family. There are a lot of emotions you experience when you adopt a child. There’s a lot of emotions you experience when you have a hard time trying to conceive or carry a baby.

There are so many things that we could choose to mourn, but we have to remember that JOY comes in the MORNING. I love being able to share my heart with you. I think it’s great to provide prospective for the various sides of adoption and infertility. Having a community of faith and friends helps make the journey so much easier.

In all things we have a choice. No matter where our journey takes us or where we have come from, I’m just thankful I know where I’m going and that I’m not alone. I may not have my children’s entire past but I have their future and most importantly we have eternity together. There is no sadness in that truth friends. No sadness.

Love and virtual hugs.

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You’re Going To Put That Where?

Crystal — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 01:19:00 +0000

Oh, snap.

So I went to our local hospital yesterday for the hysterosalpingogram test. My sister was so sweet to go with me. Actually, I wanted a driver so I could take a muscle relaxer before I went. Priorities! I knew it was a toss up. Half of the people I know experience pain and the other half said it was no biggy. Either way, I wanted to be prepared.

After changing into my oh so flattering hospital gown, I laid on the table. I brought my own socks because I hate getting cold feet. Ha! See what I did there?

Then, the doctor inserted the dreaded speculum. This should be just like your normal lady visit but not for this hot mess patient. Nope. He had trouble seeing my uterus and then when he did see it, he couldn’t find the opening. So he kept moving the speculum around and further in. I’m pretty sure he could have used it to tickle my throat if necessary. Cue big tears. Luckily, my sister rushed over to hold my hand, brush my bangs back and calmingly prompted me to try and stay calm and breath. My daughter was supposed to take me but I was worried she would be late to work so I asked my sister instead. I’m so glad it worked out that way because she knew just how to calm me down. When he finally found the opening, he inserted the catheter tube. This wasn’t too bad but when they started to push the dye it, that hurt. Think very bad cramps. 10 minutes later it was over. I could have been better. I’m sure it could have been worse. I had mild cramping afterwards.

The test showed my right tube is good and strong. My left tube was another story. Very limited dye went into it and none shot out of it. The doctor said that it could potentially be blocked but he wasn’t sure that was the case. He said my scan didn’t look normal and he should see a triangle. He suggested that I get another vaginal ultrasound to check for a mass or fibroids. This did not freak me out though.

As soon as I left I called my doctor. I knew that they wouldn’t get the results for several days and since I just finished my third round of clomid, I didn’t want to waste time. I am set to ovulate Wednesday or Thursday of this coming week. This all felt even more stressful to me now. I told my nurse (who knows my case inside and out and is the sweetest thing eva) what the testing doctor said. She pulled up my latest scan from March and said that she sees no mass or fibroid and everything actually looked really good. She thinks that he had a hard time seeing everything because I have a different shaped uterus, also known as an arcuate uterus. I’ve known this for a few years. This doesn’t mean I can’t conceive or carry I child, I just need to be monitored and may require bed rest during the last trimester…because life isn’t exciting enough.

So, here is what I currently know.

Today (the day after the test) my body hates me. When I stand I feel like the bottom will fall out. Fun huh? Apparently my uterus is not a fan of being dilated. There must be an invisible elephant planted on my abdomen. I am convinced of this. It’s so weird to me that I feel the same as I did after my D&C. Lots of pressure. I sing in our worship band and tomorrow we are doing a set that lasts over an hour for a concert which means I need to be on my feet for a good two hours. I’m hoping that I can handle this. Eek.

I am STILL a hot mess patient. This is my life. Ha! I’ve always been the opposite of normal. Doctors tend to call me a “special patient.” That really has never meant “lucky.” At. All.

I am not worried about the possibility of one tube being blocked. I know you only need one. My sister-in-law got pregnant with two great kids with one tube. I feel like that was set in place to keep my faith strong during that moment of realizing what may be my new truth.

I love my husband. His faith is not shaken or at least he doesn’t show it which is what I need. I remind myself daily that he is my first love. The kids will grow up and eventually have their own families. He is my constant, forever, and foundation.

No matter the outcome, all of this suffering will one day be worth it.

Next week I will be referred to a fertility specialist. I have dreaded this for years. I know that this can be costly which is scary to me. Why does it have to be so expensive to have a baby?! Maybe I can sell a kidney. You only need one right? Ha! Seriously, I worry that I will need to start another business or get an additional job. I’m not going to freak out though until I have the appointment and find out what we are looking at. I really can’t put this off any longer. I am certainly not getting any younger.

God is faithful. He was there yesterday, he is here today and he will be there tomorrow.

Lastly, I am thankful for you. I have totally shared my heart and have been flooded with support. I am the lucky one here. One thing I have learned through this journey is that I am not alone. Unfortunately, this is something that many women deal with but often alone. That makes me so sad and totally not how God intended it to be. This journey is filled with ups and downs, births and losses. All of which should never be done in silence nor alone.

Faithfully believing…this certainly isn’t the end of this story.

The post You’re Going To Put That Where? appeared first on Kreative in Kinder.

Fertility: A Current State of Mind

Crystal — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 17:00:00 +0000

Oh, sweet fertility. You are not a friend of mine. Ha! I told you I planned on blogging more about my life so here’s what’s on my mind.

If you want to read more about my fertility past, you can read here and here.

Fast forward….I’ve been taking clomid for the last two months. I actually just finished my third round yesterday. I’m taking the 150mg dose. Basically my doctor told me that you can really only take it for six months so I have four more chances before going to greater extremes. No pressure or anything. Ugh. My husband has been so sweet and supportive (even though I may have been a tad hormonal during my last cycle, ehem).

So, I have been using the Kindra app and charting my temp and symptoms. I also invested in the fancy and not so fancy ovulation tests. For the last two months, my temperature has shown me when I was going to ovulate and then the tests confirmed. We’ve been doing our part every day (winky face..TMI?) but it’s been a no go the last two months. Sigh. I called my doctor after I started last week because I was a little frustrated. I asked to go ahead and have the dye test. I have put it off for a long time because I heard it hurts bad but at this point, I don’t care. This whole trying to make a baby thing is exhausting. Ha!

I’m really in a good place despite the disappointment. It’s been two years since my miscarriage and I am finally ready to go at this for real BUT I will not let this consume me. It’s so easy to let this journey suck you in and steal your joy. It’s so easy to let it consume every amount of energy while destroying the positives in your life. I’ve seen marriages really struggle because woman cannot handle what feels like the greatest rejection of all time. I get it. It sucks. But, that man was your first love and he needs to always know that.

On the plus side, adoption is beautiful and I LOVE my children. I really think that if everyone was able to have their perfect children in their perfect timing, we would have more orphans than the world could hold. I’m sure if Nick and I would have gotten pregnant when we started trying 13 years ago, we wouldn’t have been led to become foster parents and later adopt. I do believe that sometimes the infertility plan may seem cruel, it is so necessary to force us into the calling of being mothers to the motherless. I’m not so sure I would have heard that call so loudly if I had a baby in my arms. I’m so grateful that God’s plan was perfect for our family and he chose this season of waiting for us because it gave us three children that could have only been born from our hearts.

I guess since my oldest is graduating from high school next year, I am really struggling because I feel like I haven’t had enough time with her. Really, all three of my kids will be in high school. I can’t say that out loud yet. Seriously, I will be the biggest hot mess the first day of school come August. That is one of the most difficult things about adoption for me…losing time, but that’s for another post on another day.

It will also be so weird entering this next season in our life. I would never imagined being 34 with three kids in high school and trying to have a baby. Insane right? My mom asked me not too long ago if this is what I really want but Nick and I both agree that this is where our hearts are. I told her, “Mom, I’m only 34.” Ha. My friends are all pregnant right now. For once, I will not be ten years ahead of the game. I was the first to get married, first to become a mom, first to buy a house and then a second house…and on and on and on. (Though I do think it is funny that my daughter babysits my best friends children.)

Soon after Nick and I got married, someone at church gave us a word from God about a promise for a baby. I have stood on that promise for MANY years. Just when Nick and I were about to take matters into our own hands, I got pregnant. Though we lost the baby, I do feel that was God reminding us that he’s got us in the palm of his hand and our promise is in his plan.

So, again. Sharing but not consumed. Hopeful but not doubtful. Frustrated but always believing. I’m not empty, nor broken. Living without feeling lost. Finding joy in all things. Not letting what should have been or what can be dictate what is.

You see, we really have NO control over anything. The only control we have is whether or not we let life’s circumstances steal our joy.

I chose JOY.

If that’s tough for you today, know that JOY comes in the morning.

Sending love and virtual hugs!

**If you think about it, please say a little prayer for me tomorrow morning as I go for the hysterosalpingogram test. Apparently a catheter is put through the cervix into the uterus to inject the dye which should go through your fallopian tubes while you are awake and experiencing all of it. Sounds like loads of fun, huh?! There may be no joy in this experience. Ha! I’m also praying that if there is some sort of blockage that the dye opens those bad boys up.

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Easter: Real Talk From My Heart

Crystal — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 00:14:00 +0000

Happy Easter! Warning: This post is full of tons of real talk and nothing to do with kindergarten.

This morning in church, God stirred up a lot of things in me, a prospective and remembrance that made me even more grateful as I worshiped during our Easter service. If you are a frequent flyer on my blog then you know that I love me some Jesus. All day. Every day. I’m not shy about it. It’s the root of my core. I’m not sure why I am about to spill the beans here but I feel like sharing my heart. This story is not completely new if you are a frequent flyer on Kreative in Kinder. Here we go.

If you have read my blog for a while, you know I am a wife and mother to my three adopted children. My three (now crazy teenagers) were born straight from my heart. I didn’t think it was that big, but it is and even has room for more. I have PCOS and I have always known that I may never be able to have children. Really, I didn’t
ovulate until three years ago after losing a ton of weight. Anywho, I have prayed and prayed and stood on a promise that one day God would give me a miracle and I would carry a child. I won’t say a child of my own because even though I did not carry my children, they are my own and my love for them knows no borders.

Two years ago God gave me that miracle child. Because I am a hot mess patient, I went to the doctor almost weekly and as soon as he formed the baby’s heart, I got to hear it and see. Really through every part of early creation, I was a fly on the wall and it was amazing. My husband and I couldn’t wait to share the news of our miracle with the world. I went in for my 11 week appointment and that little heart beat was gone. Based upon the measurements, they believed it had happened very recently. The night before my appointment I remember sitting on the couch and having what felt like a panic attach. My chest was heavy and I felt really bad. That night I had the best night of sleep in two months. I do believe it was that moment that my baby went to heaven. I’m going to honest, that was the worst moment of my life. I had prayed for this miracle for so long and then it was gone. My hurt went so deep as if it was coming from my toes. I was broken.

Two days later, a friend of mine told me to cry out to God because he knew what it felt like to lose a child in the worst way. This morning during church while reading scripture about the crucifixion and resurrection, God reminded me of this connection we share. We both lost our precious children. Granted, I never met my child, but I can tell you that I loved that baby with all of my heart. Even so, I could not imagine allowing it to die for the sake of others. I would hope that my children would be selfless in a time of need, but if Jesus had asked me to give up my child, I don’t think I could do it. I guess that makes me human…a flawed creature. I can’t help but think about the pain I felt with my miscarriage and realize that is nothing compared to what God endured while Jesus was on the cross.

Today was my second Easter without my little miracle. God has been faithful. He has showed me why he allowed it to happen and I have peace with it. It has only grown my faith and trust. It also makes me more thankful for his sacrifice. What has been done for us in the kingdom was no small task. It’s something we ourselves could never do. I really think my miscarriage helps me to be thankful and appreciate Jesus even more (on a personal level, not compared to others) because there is some empathy there. Every time I miss my baby, I remember to thank God for giving me Jesus and because of Jesus, I can see my baby one day. This also gives me peace because I believe God would not allow me to suffer in such a way knowing and understanding what that pain truly feels like. I believe in his plan and purposes in my life. He never said it would be easy but he did say he would never leave us or forsake us.

**Side note: I know many people do not talk about miscarriages but that’s not how I roll. A loss is a loss and it makes no difference to me that I didn’t carry that sweet baby all the way to the finish line. People that say.. “well at least..” no, it’s not at least anything because it WAS something and that pain is real.

So, today I am thankful for the resurrection because this life is only for a season but eternity for my family, my entire family, and yours is forever. Happy Easter.

Still praying for my next miracle,

Crystal

**Feel free to leave a comment but please be kind. We all don’t have
to agree or share the same beliefs but we should always be kind to one another.
Love and virtual hugs!

The post Easter: Real Talk From My Heart appeared first on Kreative in Kinder.

Thirteen in 2013!!

Crystal — Mon, 23 Dec 2013 10:57:00 +0000

Greetings friends! I am excited to link up with my sweet friend Hadar
from Miss Kindergarten for her 13 in ’13 linky party. Brace yourself, this one is a doozy! (Insert
vulnerability)

Oh 2013, you didn’t fail in excitement or surprises. So, what are my top 13 memories/events from this year? Here we go!

I decided to do some remodeling this year of our living room and kitchen/dining area. I think over the last few years my style has totally changed and I am super happy with how it turned out. In our last house, we remodeled and made it perfect for someone else to sell it. I refuse to do that this time. It should be perfect for us.

Do you see Joseph? LOL

My husband’s family lives in West, TX and we were touched
at our core when the explosion happened. I had to do something! Within three
days (with the help of my amazing blog buds), we raised $20,000 for the West
teachers and schools. Both the middle school and high school were completely
destroyed in the explosion. It was such an honor God to chose me to serve in
such a mighty way for this amazing community. This was a weird experience for
me. Some people knew about my blog but this really put me out there to my
administrators and local people. I don’t tell my student’s parents about my
blog and really don’t like to bring it up. It’s my thing. I do it for me
because I think it helps me be a better teacher and I love connecting with
people. I really am mortified to know that people in my own town read my blog.
For realz. My teammate asked to see my lashes after Thanksgiving break. My
first thought…GASP she read my blog post. I know its crazy but I am totally
cool with being invisible.

I was so fortunate to travel with my oldest, Grace, as a
chaperone on her High School band trip to NYC. It was an amazing experience to
share with her and her friends. We saw Phantom on Broadway and it was amazing!

I was totally lucky to score Notre Dame tickets on
stubhub when they played at Dallas Cowboy stadium. ND is hubs all time favorite
team. I remember in High School, he had a ND jacket he wore all the time, lol.
Seriously, I think I have seen the movie Rudy five
million times. True story.

I had a great time hanging out with my blogging besties
in Vegas this summer. I can’t begin to tell you how blogging has changed my
life and how much I love these ladies. They are my virtual
“team” and I am a better teacher because of them!

So, at the beginning of July I had this crazy idea of
taking my youngest son and nephew to Legoland in CA. I was really feeling
sad for Joseph because he couldn’t go to youth camp. He just wasn’t ready. He
has mild, high functioning aspbergers and well, he has a lot of quirks that
not everyone knows how to handle. On the flip side, he is crazy smart and LOVES
legos. He can build the most amazing things with them. I hope he works for them
one day! Anywho, within 24 hours I had a crazy trip planned for three of us to
Legoland. It was amazing. Everything he had ever dreamed and everything he
certainly deserved. I would never be able to do that without TPT so I am
thankful for YOU and your willingness to try out my classroom creations. It
really has been a blessing to my family.

Oh, I love my team! We added a new teammate this year and
it has been wonderful. We went to Frog Street Press Splash Conference this
summer and had a BLAST. We even wobbled together. Oh yes, these girls have
moves. Everyday is fun because of them and when I am a mess, they take such
good care of me. Seriously, blessed.

Back story…I haven’t worn my actual wedding ring in
over a year because I have lost weight and it is way too big. Since my fingers
are smaller, my previous ring wasn’t so comfortable in the back. It was too
thick. We went to a few jewelers over the last year to try and get a new but
smaller band or rebuild it. It was kind of a pain in the butt and I said forget
it and wore a fake ring. It really didn’t matter. I just had to wear something.
Anyway, we went out shopping on Black Friday and I found this jewel. It was 50%
off until 2:00 p.m. and we got to Gordon’s at 1:30 p.m. It looks so much like
my original ring but even though it looks like several bands, it is only ONE
thin band in the back and I LOVE it. It’s perfect. We bought it and I don’t
ever plan to take it off. Ever. The next week we celebrated our 12th
anniversary. Oh, how I love this man! I may not be certain about many things in
my life but one thing I know is true, God created him for me!

This year I opened up my own t-shirt shop. It has been fun designing t-shirts for teachers and even their kids. Everyone I
know thinks I am crazy because I already have a ton on my plate but to me, this
is FUN! You can see more shirts HERE.

This is my sister, Lindsay and I. She has an awesome
fitness page, Losing it With
Lindsay. She has been
helping me meet my fitness goals. It’s hard people! Over the last two years I
have lost 80 pounds. I’m not going to lie, since school has started, I have
gained a few pounds back. I have accepted that and I am ready to get back in
the zone. I let a little depression set in, but JOY comes in the morning. I
choose JOY and I choose ME.

I really don’t have a pic for this but I presented at the
Texas Kindergarten Conference and Frog Street Splash. They were totally
terrifying but I did LOVE it. I never thought that would be something I would
want to do or be good at. It’s pretty amazing the places this little blog has
taken me. I will present an entire day at the Texas Kindergarten Conference in
February and a day at I Teach K in Vegas this summer. I will be at Frog Street Splash in San Antonio, TX too. I hope to see you there!!

Insert BIG gulp here.
I am going to put on my big girl panties to share #12 because I haven’t told
some of my family yet but surely they don’t read this thing! If you have
followed my blog for a while, you know that I have been trying to get pregnant
for a longgggg time, twelve years now. We adopted our three children and oh do I love them. It’s
been a hard journey. When I wrote my last post from 2012, I whispered that I hoped
to get pregnant in 2013. I had no idea that I was actually pregnant at the
time. Doctors said I may never be able to conceive because my body never
ovulated…that is until October 2012. I had been sick for several weeks and finally went
to my obgyn because I had lots of pressure among other things. I thought I had
a cyst. My doctor advised me to go back on birth control but I didn’t want to.
We had a hard conversation. She said if it was really my desire to get
pregnant, we needed to go see some big specialist in Austin and that would be
costly. That night Nick and I talked, cried, and decided to move forward with the
specialist. The next morning my doctor called and said I was pregnant!! I about
fell to the floor. I actually told my team first. I was in such shock! For two
weeks we watched the levels rise and fall. It didn’t stick. But, it gave us
HOPE. To us, that was God’s way of saying don’t go to the specialist. He is in
control and will give us the desire of our heart. I was sad to miscarry but
was filled with so much HOPE!

The next month, I got
pregnant again. This was it. I could feel it. I had prayed for so long to know
what it was like to feel pregnant and let me tell you it is no fun. I was so
sick. I was thankful though. I could take it. Because of my situation, I went
for lab work several times a week to monitor my progress. I had several
ultrasounds. We were blessed. As soon as God gave my baby a heart, I got to
hear it beat. It was amazing. The most beautiful sound. Then I went for my 11
week appt. That sweet heartbeat was gone. I’m not sure how I got home. I’m not
sure why I even went to the appointment by myself. I had so many though. I
wasn’t prepared for that. I think my tears came from the depths of my toes. We
were planning to share with the world the next week. We never even told our
sons. I had never felt such a deep pain. I had a D&C. They did every test on my and the baby and the doctor said there is no reason I can’t carry a baby to full term. More hope.

Here is the necklace hubs got me for
Mother’s Day. It is an angel with two kids. It means the world to me.

Here are the quotes I read often to help me. I keep them
on my phone and when I feel discouraged, I read them.

Which leads me to #13. Another pivotal moment in 2013.

I found out that I miscarried on a Friday and that Sunday didn’t think I was
strong enough to go to church. What a thought! I texted my friends and asked
them to take my family to the cross that morning. I logged onto my computer and
received a FB message from a friend that resonated with me. She said to cry out
to God because he knows what it is like to lose a child in the worst way. That
gave me immediate peace. It gave me an understanding that God would never allow
me to suffer such pain (knowing how horrible this hurt was) if it wasn’t for
his greater plan or purpose. I emailed a group of my friends that night and
shared with them the revelation that God had given me, asked for prayers, and
told them that JOY will come in the morning.

God’s plan was still
at work. One of my best friends had gotten pregnant a week before me. We had
shared everything so far. The nausea, the exhaustion, the plans for future play
dates. The next day, Monday, she went to the doctor and found out she had lost
her baby. She already had a healthy child and didn’t have the problems I did.
She was in complete shock. When she got home, she opened my email and read it
to her husband. It was the email of the message God gave to me Sunday morning.
They cried and prayed together. She came to see my after my D&C and told me
how much God used my story and that email to provide much healing and peace to
her and her husband. I cried and told God that if I had to lose my baby to give
her HIS message and peace, then I am okay with that. She later shared my email
with a friend of hers when she miscarried the next month.

Then, last month my other best friend miscarried. Actual, we have a group of five and three of us have miscarried this year which is just craziness. I was the first and I was certainly there to hold their hand during their time of sadness. I have always been the “mom” of the group so it just seemed fitting that my role was to have the greatest empathy as we walk this journey together. God’s word for me has become a message of hope to others and that helps me to heal.

This is the reason
for my latest tiny bout of sadness. My baby was due in November and well, that
was hard. I put on a few pounds and shed a few more tears but I know God is
faithful. I will continue to be a living vessel for his will.

Why do I share this
now? Well, I think it’s a good refection for myself. I want to look back on
this post in a year and see how far I have come. It’s proof of the
difference a year can make. I have also learned that I am not alone. No one
should ever have to suffer in silence but I am proof that JOY comes in the
morning! Posting this is crazy because much of this I haven’t shared with my
all of my family or even my children but I do feel compelled and it must be
purposeful. Really this is the cliff notes. I could write a book about my journey this year.

So my word for 2014 is

because I am standing
on the promises of God. I believe he will give me the desires of heart. I hope
to find a better balance so I can be the best wife, mother, teacher, and
friend. I *hope* this will be the year we add to our family but no matter what,
I feel blessed. I just want to make a difference and to know that I did
everything I could to leave my mark on 2014.

Whatever you plans
and goals are for 2014, I wish you well!

Love and virtual hugs!

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