Happy Easter! Warning: This post is full of tons of real talk and nothing to do with kindergarten.
This morning in church, God stirred up a lot of things in me, a prospective and remembrance that made me even more grateful as I worshiped during our Easter service. If you are a frequent flyer on my blog then you know that I love me some Jesus. All day. Every day. I’m not shy about it. It’s the root of my core. I’m not sure why I am about to spill the beans here but I feel like sharing my heart. This story is not completely new if you are a frequent flyer on Kreative in Kinder. Here we go.
If you have read my blog for a while, you know I am a wife and mother to my three adopted children. My three (now crazy teenagers) were born straight from my heart. I didn’t think it was that big, but it is and even has room for more. I have PCOS and I have always known that I may never be able to have children. Really, I didn’t
ovulate until three years ago after losing a ton of weight. Anywho, I have prayed and prayed and stood on a promise that one day God would give me a miracle and I would carry a child. I won’t say a child of my own because even though I did not carry my children, they are my own and my love for them knows no borders.
Two years ago God gave me that miracle child. Because I am a hot mess patient, I went to the doctor almost weekly and as soon as he formed the baby’s heart, I got to hear it and see. Really through every part of early creation, I was a fly on the wall and it was amazing. My husband and I couldn’t wait to share the news of our miracle with the world. I went in for my 11 week appointment and that little heart beat was gone. Based upon the measurements, they believed it had happened very recently. The night before my appointment I remember sitting on the couch and having what felt like a panic attach. My chest was heavy and I felt really bad. That night I had the best night of sleep in two months. I do believe it was that moment that my baby went to heaven. I’m going to honest, that was the worst moment of my life. I had prayed for this miracle for so long and then it was gone. My hurt went so deep as if it was coming from my toes. I was broken.
Two days later, a friend of mine told me to cry out to God because he knew what it felt like to lose a child in the worst way. This morning during church while reading scripture about the crucifixion and resurrection, God reminded me of this connection we share. We both lost our precious children. Granted, I never met my child, but I can tell you that I loved that baby with all of my heart. Even so, I could not imagine allowing it to die for the sake of others. I would hope that my children would be selfless in a time of need, but if Jesus had asked me to give up my child, I don’t think I could do it. I guess that makes me human…a flawed creature. I can’t help but think about the pain I felt with my miscarriage and realize that is nothing compared to what God endured while Jesus was on the cross.
Today was my second Easter without my little miracle. God has been faithful. He has showed me why he allowed it to happen and I have peace with it. It has only grown my faith and trust. It also makes me more thankful for his sacrifice. What has been done for us in the kingdom was no small task. It’s something we ourselves could never do. I really think my miscarriage helps me to be thankful and appreciate Jesus even more (on a personal level, not compared to others) because there is some empathy there. Every time I miss my baby, I remember to thank God for giving me Jesus and because of Jesus, I can see my baby one day. This also gives me peace because I believe God would not allow me to suffer in such a way knowing and understanding what that pain truly feels like. I believe in his plan and purposes in my life. He never said it would be easy but he did say he would never leave us or forsake us.
**Side note: I know many people do not talk about miscarriages but that’s not how I roll. A loss is a loss and it makes no difference to me that I didn’t carry that sweet baby all the way to the finish line. People that say.. “well at least..” no, it’s not at least anything because it WAS something and that pain is real.
So, today I am thankful for the resurrection because this life is only for a season but eternity for my family, my entire family, and yours is forever. Happy Easter.
Still praying for my next miracle,
**Feel free to leave a comment but please be kind. We all don’t have
to agree or share the same beliefs but we should always be kind to one another.
Love and virtual hugs!